Loss

A few of days ago, I began this project with an entry on the theme of old beginnings, endings, and new beginnings. I was attempting to use the lyrics of a pop song to illustrate how my belief system was addressing my fears and hopes in light of my entering graduate school and letting go of portions of my previous life.

In the brief time since then I have been exposed to a much more profound sense of change and loss. Two days ago I separated from my partner of the past two and a half years. The choice of timing was hers not mine but the reason behind the split was a mutually conceded, seemingly irresolvable difference. There was no enmity, no harsh words, no finger pointing, just the acknowledgment that each of us, to the best of their ability, had strived to overcome an issue that we had known from the onset of our relationship was going to be key to its long-term survival. Early on we made a tacit agreement to support each other in both the endeavor of facing our individual shortcomings and in our growth as a couple. In many ways our splitting up is a result of the deep mutual love and respect that we have built in our relationship.

My partner decided it might be best for both of us if she moved the majority of her belongings out of the house as quickly as possible, I believe she felt that she was doing me the favor of reducing "painful reminders" from my daily environment. This morning I woke up to a series of giant holes; in my heart, my home and my daily routine. For the past few years, this day of the week has been exclusively reserved for us to spend together, it has been the polar star of my week. Without this point of reference I find myself in total disequilibrium.

From my solitude I am witness to a variety of subtle passing emotions, sadness, grief, bewilderment, resentment, anger and frustration but the dominating theme this morning is loss, a  presence of absence that is profoundly deep. With the sudden disappearance of somebody I love so dearly, I feel like I'm experiencing a prelude to death, that inevitability which defines everyone and everything I love, myself included.

For the moment, I have no insightful observations about The Four Noble Truths, no stories about mustard seeds. Although I know there are sections of the Dhammapada where the Buddha addresses the experience of death and loss I don't care to recite them here. If there is a teaching in the canon that deals with break-ups I cannot bother to research it.

For the rest of today I will endeavor set aside my observations and interpretations and make an extra effort to engage in my feelings, free from meaning or moral. Today I began the process of reorienting my compass, starting from the hole in my heart and moving outward from there.